So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
