Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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