I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
