He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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