Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
