Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
