obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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