I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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