Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
