Jerry, you need to find god
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
