I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
