I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize