Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
if only i could text you this smell
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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