If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
