dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize