Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize