Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
