i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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