maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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