I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
