what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
