He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
