I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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