Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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