just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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