Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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