Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
How does it feel to date your dad?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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