Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
