I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize