You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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