Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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