matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
