three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
