Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
