Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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