My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
