If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
