So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
