I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
