i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
