He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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