I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
