1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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