On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
