I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
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