I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
