so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
