How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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