So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
