a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
