it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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