Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
