you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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