When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
