my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
