Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
