I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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