I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
