dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
