I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
