Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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