My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My ass is underappreciated
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
