i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
