I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
