I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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